Introduction

Life is an exciting journey; we face significant challenges and often face them alone, unsure of what to do. We go head-on and sometimes come out wounded or severely injured. I've lived through many problems, moving away from the civil war to an unfamiliar world where even more challenges await me. Growing up was a struggle, learning a foreign language and becoming accustomed to a strange society. However, everything has taught me one thing. Nothing is more significant than being true about yourself and being your best.

I heard Michael Jackson's "The Man in the Mirror" growing up. I was already significantly influenced by Gandhi's "Be the change you want to see in the world" and Jackson's "I'm starting with the man in the mirror/I'm asking him to change his ways/and no message could have been any clearer/if you wanna make the world a better place." It occurred to me, after many failed attempts at being somebody else, that it was time to be me, time to self-improve or else I would never get anywhere, never be anything, never ever be happy.

So began the path to self-improvement. The inspiration for the book is simple: you do it now, or you will never do it, I told myself. It's either do it or die; it sounds like a cumbersome philosophy, but it makes complete sense if you think about it. With things like self- improvement, it's all on you to make a difference today.

Self-improvement is never over; we always have something to improve. That's why I want to share how I achieved self-improvement and a comfortable step forward. This book is short and sweet, gets right to the point and is made for you, something you can use.

I wish you the best of luck. Be yourself and be who you are supposed to be.

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Chapter 1: Self-confidence -- what and how?

Hundreds of how-to books on confidence grace bookstores across the country. Self-help gurus often prattle on the importance of confidence in your abilities, so you wonder what this self-confidence business is all about and if it truly makes that much of a difference.

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What you should know about self-confidence?

‍From something as mundane as waking up in the morning and going to the bathroom without worrying about falling flat on your face to the superhuman grit and determination needed to overcome a terminal illness or run a triathlon. All of these are the doings of people's confidence in their capabilities. For most mortals between regular to extraordinary, self-confidence is simply a belief in their skills. This belief significantly impacts your life, personal or professional. So, what happens when you lack confidence?

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The prospect of speaking in public unnerves many; now, imagine yourself in a situation where you are expected to deliver a knockout presentation for your boss. With a colleague, you brainstorm ideas and give a well-crafted speech.
However, this perpetual feeling of unease haunts you. You try to put it aside, ignore it, but it seems stuck at your core. An hour before the big presentation, you feel almost physically ill with sweaty palms, butterflies in your stomach and shudders running up and down your spine.
A deep sense of terror invades your mind. It runs so strong that after a few minutes of fumbling with your presentation, you ask your colleague to take over. You feign illness and walk out of the room. Although your profuse sweating has convinced most that you are sick, you know nothing is wrong with you.
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So, what is your problem then? It is simply a lack of confidence.
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For example, you are sitting in a bar and see this gorgeous young lady walk in. You cannot take your eyes off her but cannot muster up your guts to speak to her.
After much coaxing from your friends, you finally make your way to the bartender, ready to buy her a drink. But, when you open your mouth to talk, the only thing that comes out of your parched throat is a string of stutters as you feel cold sweat running down your back, drenching your shirt.
She would smell your fear if she were a female of any other species besides humans. The sheer embarrassment sends you scuttling back to your table, and you leave the bar hastily.
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Have you ever experienced this scene, or another version of it, in your life? Again, the problem is your utter need for more self-confidence. Confidence issues can mar careers and social lives and leave behind psychological ramifications. Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are all directly linked to confidence problems. So, if you have been ignoring these signs and symptoms, you need to STOP and ACT Now!

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What you should know about self-confidence?

‍Babies start assimilating information that forms their core belief system when they are six months old. The world around them, particularly their parents' behaviour, shapes their personalities and values. For instance, a child with a very encouraging home environment will be more open to trying new things without fear of intruding on his thoughts.In contrast, a youngster, who has constantly faced criticism, even for the most trivial mistakes, will naturally tend to fear new things, tasks and experiences. This negative association will eventually reflect in their behaviour. Children constantly subjected to harsh words and punitive measures develop either a self-destructive or overtly reticent streak.
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So, yes, confidence is built early in life. However, you can still live with confidence. Not at all! At its most basic level, confidence is a set of beliefs borne out of practice, a skill developed at any stage in your life. Many successful entrepreneurs, orators, and world leaders of today were once scrawny kids and backbenchers who shuddered at the thought of doing something challenging or exciting. They also shook at being part of a team. However, they overcame these confidence issues, and so can YOU!

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Developing confidence 101!

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In a nutshell, the fastest and most straightforward way to develop self-confidence without dwelling on the nuts and bolts is to do things that massage your ego. When you succeed, your confidence in your abilities increases a few notches. However, many failures can make even the most talented individuals doubt their abilities. To succeed, you must do the things you like. At this point, you may have no skills. Remember, we are not talking about Nobel prizes here.

‍Take a close look at yourself.

What do you like about the person in the mirror? Do you walk well and talk well? You can write decently or draw, or you enjoy helping others. Start working with what you have, and what you lack can be developed later.
Please make a list of your strengths, even aspects of your personality that you have ignored; mark out your weaknesses and, for now, steer clear of them. Use your strengths at every opportunity, and expect to take time to achieve perfection. You must know that perfection lies well beyond excellence so that you get there gradually. Still, the priority here is to use your abilities to build confidence, one brick at a time.

Acknowledge even the smallest of victories; for example, if you have a problem with public speaking but can keep your friends entertained in a conversation, that should earn you a point. Look back at all your life experiences where you thought you were successful: it can be school, a debate you won, an exam you aced, or a sport in which you excelled. Keep those old pictures to practical use; let them remind you of your abilities and successes. Once you feel better about yourself, continue the journey to self-confidence by acquiring relevant skills.

What not to do when cultivating self-confidence?

Confident thinking is a habit; if you have spent decades talking down to yourself at every opportunity, turning over that leaf will take work. However, it is certainly NOT impossible! Do not let mistakes and failures haunt you; instead of turning them into a reason for self-effacement, use them as a learning experience. That defeatist attitude will not get you anywhere, so start looking optimistically. Through the rest of this book, we will single out every issue and concern causing that lack of confidence. We will discuss specific techniques and definitive suggestions that will turn your life around and transform you into a more confident and assured person.

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Chapter 2: Try to keep the negativity out of your life

Do you always see the glass as half empty? Well, this needs to change today. Self- deprecatory talks will create large mental bumps that can be hard to jump over. So, stop recalling unpleasant events, conversations and experiences. How is mulling over these helping you? It would be safe to suggest that this is the most unproductive and futile exercise you could ever involve yourself. So, the next time you find yourself unwittingly pondering over how that last presentation went wrong, stop your mind from engrossing itself in those wayward thoughts with a harsh mental “NO”.

‍See things for what they really are!

Are you scared of talking to people? But why? They are just human beings like you and me! So, the other guy is your boss, OK? That puts him in a position of power but does not make him better than you. He is still a human being, vulnerable to all the limitations of our species like any other average Joe. So, even if you find a barker, it does not mean that he will necessarily bite.

Listen to your conscience.

You will feel the tiny voice of your conscience nagging you every time you while away the day just because you are afraid of taking the task head-on. Go ahead and listen to this inner voice; get off the chair and start doing because the more you do, the better you will get, increasing your self-confidence.

When you push fear out, beautiful things happen. You welcome self-esteem into your life, and with it comes enhanced self-worth. Nobody is more attractive and successful than someone who believes in their worth.

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Chapter 3: Rejection - should you fear it?

Few things evoke more dread than the prospect of rejection; if you scrutinize closely, you will see that fear, in this case, is a multidimensional emotion with strong psychological overtones. Rejection is rarely ever viewed as the problem of the rejecters. Most people perceive it as a glaring symbol of personal failure that hurts their ego, and a bruised ego does NOT stay quiet.

All this, when in reality, rejection is just a matter of personal choice. Let us simplify this further. So, what is your favourite colour? You will probably answer that with, “red, blue, green, yellow, black, white, pink or the name of any other shade”, and brings us to an all-important question: Just because you said that red is your favourite colour, does it indeed mean that something is wrong with the other hues in that list? Is yellow ugly, blue dreary, or green pukey? Isn’t it just a matter of personal choice? So, there is no reason to bring emotions and ego into this equation, then, is there?

One woman’s fear of rejection turned into a self-fulfilling prophecythat almost took her life!

Let us look at this is the story of Maria, a confident young woman in her late twenties; she just closed the biggest deal for her company and is pleased with how far she has come along. All her colleagues at work and even her clients are impressed by the sheer confidence she carries herself with. However, it was only sometimes like that! As a student in junior high, Maria was reluctantly introduced to makeup; she did not like painting her face, but she did it. Away from the watchful eyes of her mother, she would get to her school as fast as she could; she could spend about 20 minutes slapping on some garish colours that a girl her age had no business using.

She did this because she desperately wanted to fit in with the hip crowd. Unfortunately, this turned into a detrimental habit; the need to please others at her expense. It continued throughout her school years and escalated as she went to college. The need to fit in and be accepted and the fear of being rejected were so intense that she started involving herself in every dreaded activity that her parents had nightmares about.

She was a good student, she knew that this overwhelming need to get accepted was ruining her grades, yet she continued on her path to self-destruction. Then, one day, she had a fallout with the group she used to hang around. In her mind, these people had accepted her and losing their acceptance was simply unacceptable. This is what she had feared all her life. The panic, depression and sadness got to her, and there came a point when she contemplated ending it all with a few pills and some booze. Fortunately for Maria, her parents had learnt about the seriousness of the situation and rushed in to help her.

In time and with the proper guidance, Maria learned to accept herself for what she was without succumbing to peer pressure and seeking acceptance. Today, she is a successful professional and a happy young woman.

This story shows that while we all fear rejection occasionally, it is crucial not to allow this emotion to rule our rational thoughts. It is good to have friends, and only natural to want to be famous. Still, it can be highly hazardous to let yourself live for the approval of others. The opinions of others should only be heeded within limits; do not let them cloud your judgment. If you are forcing yourself to behave in a certain way and to say and do things you do not like or feel right about, you must STOP.

Compelling yourself to fit into the mould of somebody else’s views will only cause grief and depression. Accept rejection for what it is- simply a matter of personal opinion. So, accept your uniqueness and individuality; if you believe your peers do not appreciate it, do not bother yourself with them. Remember, unconventional people go on to do extraordinary things and the so-called ‘geeks’ today rule the business world.

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CHAPTER 4: I don’t want to lose you!

How many times have you heard the title of this chapter repeated in ballads and romance novels? It almost feels like the fret of losing the one you care for and the euphoria of falling in love comes together as a combination. While there is no denying that losing a loved one to death or a relationship issue can be tragic, fearing this eventuality is still not a rational emotion.

Unless you are faced with the genuine prospect of witnessing a person you love slip away due to a terminal illness, there is no other reason to justify your unhealthy panic at losing a loved one.

Although many people find themselves forever in the throes of this detrimental emotion, few understand that the fear of losing the person they care for is a complex reaction to several other phobias that a person harbours in his psyche.

Why fear losing a loved one when nothing's happened yet?

Many factors can lead to an unhealthy obsession with losing a partner, friend, spouse or child. For example:

People who have witnessed their parents' estrangement may fear their relationships' demise.
A person who has been unlucky in love many times and has finally struck gold with the right guy or girl may harbor a terrifying fear of losing this loved one. A parent who has lost a child to an ailment may be overly protective of their other kids and fear losing the kid.

An individual who has personal experience of losing someone they are close to or has witnessed the pain brought on by the loss of a loved one can start thinking about the sorrow that the death of a near one would cause. Physical or financial dependence on a partner can cause a person to fear loss

Although these scenarios differ, there is an underlying factor here that many miss. The fear of losing a loved one does not stand on its own two feet and is a complex emotion that is often fueled by other underlying phobias like:

• The fear of abandonment
• The fear of the unknown
• The fear of emotional anguish that follows a tragedy
• The fear of loneliness and more

Why should you not succumb to the fear of losing a loved one?

• Your fear is irrational and unfounded unless you are battling to save someone you love from a terminal illness. Once again, this emotion is only based on those "nagging" what-if questions.
• Also, it is imperative to understand that fear causes people to behave unnaturally. Not only can your fear of losing the person you care for cause you to crush your spirit in the relationship, but it can also irrevocably damage the association as you are fear will not allow you to be honest with yourself or the other person. If you let this fear control your actions not only will it cause you significant emotional trauma, but they can also prove detrimental to the person you love so much.
• A classic example of this phenomenon is the overbearing protective streak that some parents develop after the death of one child, which often leads to the over-pampering of the surviving children or even a forced form of protection, which can hamper the normal psychological development of the kids.

Similarly, people who believe that they will not be able to live without the person they are in a relationship with often curb their sense of reasoning and freedom to suit the taste of their partner. Unfortunately, this can quickly lead to passive aggression and hatred towards the partner.

The most important thing to understand about this fear is that it is based on a futuristic possibility that may/may not occur. In other words, you are ruining both your present and future based on a faulty assumption that may never come true.

Dealing with the fear of losing a loved one

If you are in a situation where a person you care for is seriously ill, seek the advice of palliative care professionals. They not only make the remaining time of your loved one as comfortable as possible but are also equipped to help the relatives of the patient deal with tragic circumstances.

If you have already lost a person you love and do not find the pain ebbing away even though several months have passed since the tragic event, you need to seek the help of a therapist. Several online groups can offer all the necessary support to escape such trying circumstances.

Seeking spiritual assistance can also help people deal with the anguish brought on by losing a loved one. Finally, remember that your life has to go on whether the person you love has passed away or has left you. You cannot stop living; you owe that much to yourself.

Remember you are not doing yourself, your relationship or the person you love any favours by perpetually living under this fear. This emotion is so detrimental and draining that it can easily steal from the quality of your life and your mental stability. So, if you ever feel yourself inching close to this negative emotion, think about the adage, "If you really love someone, you should let him or her go. If they come back, they are yours for keeps and if not it was never meant to be".

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CHAPTER 5: Success without failure, an unlikely scenario

Educators and motivational speakers often say that failure is success in disguise, but the logic behind this statement can be hard to decipher when you are groveling under the burden of failing. Failure can open the floodgates of negative emotions and insecurities, and the experience is often so daunting that people try their best to avoid it.

Unfortunately, fearing failure is also a surefire way to miss out on some of the best opportunities in life. There are scores of real-life success stories of people who have scaled the summits of success because they stuck steadfastly to their dreams and goals without fearing failure. However, for the average Joe, the risk of losing something can be a powerful deterrent, but when you let this fear take over, you fail to see a crucial truth about your life.

The whole universe is telling you that you need to fail in order to succeed!

The progeny of all living beings are tiny when born, and they learn to stand tall and walk assuredly after several rounds of stumbling and falling. That is how you learnt to walk, recite that poem, solve math problems and almost everything else in life. A realistic question here is how you will know where you are going wrong and the potential for error if you never make a mistake. The universal truth is that success is not possible unless you take failure in your stride and treat it as a learning experience. Failing can teach you the most valuable life lessons, and if you fail, you are certainly not the only one; au contraire, when you fail, you put yourself in the league of some extraordinary individuals who achieved the seemingly impossible. From Abraham Lincoln to Steve Jobs and Louis Braille to Edison, all these people tasted the bitterness of failure before achieving great things.

No piece on overcoming the fear of failure would be complete without mentioning the legendary words of Thomas Edison, who, upon inventing the incandescent bulb on his one-hundredth attempt, famous, quipped that the experience had taught him 99 ways of how not to make the bulb.

Reading all that must not have made any difference!

If you genuinely fear failure to the point where you have let the emotion hamper your progress, all those words back there may not have made an iota’s worth of impact. You are probably murmuring, “all that is fine, but how do I actually stop this fear from impinging on my rationality and my spirit of adventure”. Right? A tried and tested technique to keep the fear of failures at bay! Do you know how professionals work on eradicating phobias? They expose a person to his fears in a controlled setting, and this technique works marvellously, so there is no reason why you cannot use it to eradicate your fear of failure.

So, you need to fail, then? Yes, but in a controlled environment that will remove the phobia from your system without harming your confidence level or mental framework. If you have always wanted to try out a new hobby or think that a particular skill set can forward For your career, this would be a fantastic time to take classes. You will only learn by making a few errors along the way, which will help you see failure for what it really is. Goal setting is another way to prepare you for possible failure and remove the fear that stems from it. For instance, if you are scared of failing at giving a presentation, start with a small goal like telling an anecdote at a business luncheon, or if you cannot get yourself to walk up to the boss and speak to him/her, start by setting an introductory goal that involves stopping by his/her office just for a quick greeting and pleasantries.

Some more tips and tricks to control your fear of failure

See the truth: Nobody under this sun is perfect, so it would be ridiculous to expect yourself to be good at almost everything imaginable. Also, making mistakes is the birthright of all beings, so why should you deny yourself this freedom? If you make an error, think about what went wrong without dwelling on the reactions of the people around you or your assumptions about them. Your endeavour here should be to improve yourself, not change others.

Look at things from all angles: A surefire way to minimize the risk of mistakes and failure is to think of all possible outcomes to a situation, particularly the worst-case scenarios. Because many people fear the unknown element of failure, when you envision all possible conclusions, you essentially remove that element of not knowing what will transpire. Also, looking at all potential outcomes will help you create a mental decision mind map.

Think positively: Positive thinking is incredibly potent in preventing self-sabotage, eliminating the fear of failure, and gaining self-confidence. Whenever something you perceive as bad happens, mentally prepare yourself only to see the good in it.

Have backups: Nothing can remove failure like a backup plan. So, if you loathe speaking in front of your colleagues in a conference, keeping a contingency plan ready, like a few handwritten cue cards, will instill some much-needed courage in your system.

On a concluding note, always remind yourself of one crucial fact: failure is not the bane of your success but the fear of failure that prevents you from achieving your desired goals.

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CHAPTER 6: Fear of your own kind!

It is one thing to be afraid of creepy crawlies and the menacing shadowy figures conjured up in darkness by your wayward thoughts and to be scared of your own kind. Yes, we are talking about social phobia, i.e. the fear of people.

Unlike other fears, the phobia of their human brethren is a debilitating emotion that impacts social, professional and personal lives. Because people forever surround us, fearing them can mar much more than just our confidence. This fear can take on the sinister form of self-fulfilling prophecies borne out of our terror at the prospect of facing our colleagues, friends, loved ones, and more.

Moreover, once a person with social phobia goes through a bad performance in public, they shun social engagements for the rest of their life. So strong is the impact of this fear!

The curious case of social phobia!

It is common for individuals who fear others to avoid social events and try too hard to become invisible at their workplace and even in private gatherings. They believe that being inconspicuous will help them to stay away from the spotlight.

Unfortunately, in their attempt to do so, they let some of the most promising opportunities pass them by in their personal and professional lives. The realization of this fact sows the first seeds of self- resentment, which can manifest in two ways: a person can either develop a self-destructive streak that is in total contrast to his usual behaviour or chooses the path of least resistance, curb himself further into his shell of reticence. Either way, what lies ahead is a lifetime of nervousness, anxiety, depression and more when you could have just tamed this ogre of social phobia with a few simple steps. So, are you ready to transform your life?

Tethering the fear of people!

Understand the cause of fear: Often, a childhood incident perceived as relatively innocuous is at the root of a lifelong phobia. As children, we are too young and immature to see things for what they are. We often misunderstand the situation, blaming ourselves for an incident and considering the outcome a personal failure.

For example, many people believe that their shyness stems from an elementary school incident when they were asked to perform on stage or recite a poem in front of the class. Inevitably, their performance was not up to the mark, and their kiddie audience was less than forgiving of the incident. That tiny misstep stays with many throughout their academic life, as they are constantly teased and ragged over it. However, the one crucial fact people tend to ignore here is that they were JUST kids when this incident occurred. Yes, this is a simple explanation, but it is a FACT. Every time you feel fear clutching you, this memory causes that sickening feeling. So, start by reflecting on the event that caused the rise of this phobia and then analyze it rationally and as an adult. Just because you fumbled as a child does not mean you will or will have to do it as a grown-up.

Breathe to get the fear out of your system: If you cannot control the abuse of fear from clouding your senses, try breathing. It is simple enough but incredibly effective. Take a deep, cleansing breath as you inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth, concentrate on the life-sustaining oxygen entering and exiting out of your lungs, and ignore the negative self-talk in your head that sets you up for failure.

If you cannot handle the situation alone, take a friend along: This is a straightforward yet potent solution to tackle social phobia. Most of us are very comfortable in the company of our friends and loved ones. This sense of well-being and comfort can also prevail in a tense situation if you have that one person along who puts you at ease.

Fake it until you make it: You have probably heard this phrase before - if you are not particularly adept at something, fake it. Act like you are a pro, and soon those around you but also you will believe the act.

The quintessential trick: Remember that any phobia gets aggravated when you let it be and try to avoid the stimulus that causes it. The only way to overcome your fears is to take them on. So, if you are nervous about socializing, start putting yourself in social situations slowly but steadily. For instance, start by communicating with the salespeople; even if you are not keen on buying something today, go to a store and ask about a product you are interested in. Please get to know its features and voice your concerns about it. The salesperson may not get your business, but this simple exercise will get you talking.

Try out malls or other public areas frequented by many people. Of course, you may not be comfortable mingling and conversing with strangers, but you can start with a smile and greeting. Take every opportunity to attend community events; it is easier to relate to people who share a common cause/interest with you. Talk about anything you know; if you do not understand something, say so. Nobody is out there to laugh at you. While fear was born out of our instinct for self-preservation and is not necessarily harmful, when we let irrational phobias enter our lives, we hamper the reaction this fear is supposed to invoke. Being overtly scared clouds our judgment and does not let us act as quickly and decisively as we should in stressful situations. So, when your fear serves no primary purpose, what value is it?

Even though fear is natural, to be exceptional, you must give it up and recognize that life has more meaning than fear.

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CHAPTER 7: Stop walking around like atlas!

Your body language indicates your attitude, thoughts and personality. Is your posture often the first thing people notice about you? A slouchy who carries the burden of all his fears and anxieties and certainly does not come across as confident. Even today, posture correction is the first thing taught in finishing schools and even in the military; all that is marching around is where it helps. Why does posture matter so much?

Well, walking with a distinct curve to your spine will not only give you lifelong back aches but also mar your confidence. After all, if you cannot stand tall and walk straight, you cannot take on life's challenges, can you? Standing and holding your body when walking, talking and sitting creates an aura around you. Slouchers are naturally perceived to be unconfident souls. At the same time, those who can hold a conversation with a straight back and eyes cast forward are understandably seen as self-assured and confident. It is a scientific fact that people form first impressions in the first 20 seconds of meeting somebody, and often, these views are strictly based on visual assessments. Of course, more than 20 seconds is required to incorporate any other human sense into first impressions. We also form first impressions about people we have just seen—even from a distance. It is usual for us to instinctively like some folks and feel an aversion to others; similarly, we are impressed by many but do not think much about others. How did we come to these conclusions? In most cases, these are strictly based on what we see and our interpretation.

I want to point out a trendy actress here—Julie Andrews. For those in your twenties or younger, she was the grandmother (the queen) in the movie The "Princess Diaries". It does not take much to notice her royal bearing; do you know how? Please look at her body language and posture, how she walks, and how she keeps her spine taut even when speaking and singing. Standing tall and proud will make people look up to you and make you feel confident about yourself, which is the first step to developing a confident personality.

So, how did you get into the habit of slouching?

For most people, this starts at school; while some are too involved in their world to be bothered with the seeming triviality of walking straight, others want to shrink into the floor and be inconspicuous; for others, it is just the burden of life that makes them ignore their posture. Whatever the reasons that put you into the habit of looking down at the floor and not up at the world that holds all those innumerable possibilities, it is never too late to learn to stand tall and proud. Your life, success and confidence depend on it.

Correcting your posture: A few simple tricks

Start by understanding correct posture: For many, proper posture is curving the spine unnaturally to slouch, leaning forward on their toes, or tensing their vertebral column and heaving their chest up. However, there are better postures than that. If you do it right, your body weight will be evenly distributed on both feet. Your hips, shoulders and ears will align straight. Stand in front of the mirror. For this first exercise, align these three body parts without tensing your spine while you look at yourself. You should not feel pain or discomfort even after holding the position for 5 or 10 minutes.

The correct posture needs some work. Strengthening your back and abdomen muscles will also help correct posture deformities. Simple routines that yield marvellous results include:

1. Stand with your feet apart at shoulder width and raise your arms to your sides, forming a T with your torso and outstretched arms.
2. Keep your shoulder, ears and hips straight while holding this position for ten. Lower arms and repeat.

When you are standing around to get a chore done, waiting for the photocopier or the toaster to do their job, stand with your feet apart at shoulder width and fold your arms up so that your hands touch your shoulders. Raise your folded arms so your elbows point outwards, breathe in and hold the position for a few seconds before lowering your arms. Repeat 5 to 10 times.

Sitting straight: Many lead a sedentary lifestyle, spending long hours in front of their computer, and this is cited as the cause of their posture issues. If you spend your day typing, get an ergonomic chair. When sitting, make sure your entire back is against the seat; do not slouch forward when typing or using the mouse and take a break for a few quick stretches every few hours.

Stand tall and walk straight: When walking and standing, make sure you are looking forward and your hips, shoulders and ears are aligned, with the weight of your body on the balls of your feet and not the toes.

Stand with your feet slightly apart, which helps distribute your body weight. Let your arms rest comfortably on the side, and tuck your chin in barely to maintain a straight gaze ahead. Finally, remember that it took you several years to get into the problematic habit of slouching, so it will take some work to fall out of it. Also, proper posture should be something other than something you bring out just for special events; you need to maintain the appropriate posture every day and all day to make it second nature.

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CHAPTER 8: Walk the walk of confidence!

The world's streets bear witness to different kinds of people; some tear down the road at ridiculous speeds with little regard for their safety or that of others, prompting their fellow pedestrians to wonder what or who is chasing them. Then, others are perpetually drawn to the cracks in the road and cannot take their eyes off the concrete under their feet. In both cases, people wonder what bothers these people.

Close scrutiny of this behaviour reveals that these unusual walks are caused by a single culprit— a lack of confidence. Your self-assurance in your capacities transcends the bounds of just mind and emotions and quickly reaches into the physical realm. We saw in the last chapter how the feelings of lack of confidence can weigh down on your shoulder, impacting posture. Well, the way you walk is another physical manifestation of your self-doubt. You may not have reached the far-gone stage of our wild dasher or brooding tortoise walker yet. However, if you spend all your time on the road ogling at buildings and every other architectural feature in your town that you know better than the back of your hands, all in the hopes of avoiding eye contact with the crowds of strangers around, you are steadily heading downhill. You NEED to remedy the situation NOW.

Walking problems, anybody?

The world's streets witness different kinds of people; some tear down the road at ridiculous speeds without regard for their safety or that of others, prompting their fellow pedestrians to wonder what or who is chasing them. Others are perpetually drawn to the cracks in the road and cannot take their eyes off the concrete under their feet. In both cases, people wonder what bothers these people. Scrutiny of this behaviour reveals that these unusual walks are caused by a single culprit— a lack of confidence. Your self-assurance in your capacities transcends the bounds of just mind and emotions and quickly reaches into the physical realm. We saw in the last chapter how a lack of confidence could weigh down on your shoulder, impacting your posture. Well, a lousy walk is another physical manifestation of self-doubts.

Depending on your age, you may still need to be at the far-gone stage of a wild dasher or a brooding tortoise walker. However, if you spend all your time on the road ogling at buildings and every other architectural feature in your town that you know better than the back of your hands, all in the hopes of avoiding eye contact with the crowds of strangers around, you are steadily heading downhill. You NEED to remedy the situation NOW.

If you can't get out there, this is why you need to walk every day.

Walking the right way, without fear or anxiety, will make you feel more confident about yourself. In addition, walking is beneficial for your health. Did you know that just an hour of walking can keep those extra pounds at bay and alleviate stress? Of course, it is also an excellent way to enhance cognitive function and unwind after a hectic day. A brisk stroll is far less intense than cardio or jog. However, it can yield significant benefits while being gentle on your joints. If you are not a fitness buff, a walk through a local park or even around the block can be an excellent way to get some exercise while working on your confidence levels, not to mention that physical activity can aid in the secretion of endorphins (happy chemicals) in the body.

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How should you walk?

Unless you run behind and must get somewhere promptly, there is no reason to rush across the street. However, there is nothing that forces you to slow down to boredom.

The right pace: The proper rate for walking seems unhurried while giving you the feeling of getting somewhere. To simplify that, do not run, jog, or speed walk, but do not go 15 steps a minute. A brisk walk is what you should go for; this will give you an air of importance, like you are determined to get somewhere and always have someplace to be, and it will also afford you enough time for a quick smile exchange and some eye contact.

The correct posture: Another crucial factor in the 'right walk' equation is your posture. In the last chapter, we learned the proper posture when standing and walking. Ideally, you should ensure that your hips, ears and shoulders are aligned in a straight line; hold your shoulders up and behind and tuck down your chin slightly to look straight ahead as you walk.

If you are not feeling confident, try puffing your chest out. An old trick from Mother Nature: This is a preening gesture that many male birds indulge in when attracting a mate, and it works just as well for humans. However, do the puffy bit sparingly. You certainly do not want to faint from oxygen shortage.

A level gaze: Right eye contact is crucial to turning your normal stride into a thriving, confident walk. Keep your eyes straight ahead and resist looking down at the ground. Women, who are uncomfortable in high-heeled shoes, often watch out for potholes, fearing they might fall flat on their faces.

A simple solution is not to wear heels that teeter precariously. For men, the urge to look down is more mental than physical; you have been walking for too long not to be able to take a few cracks in the road in your stride. Always look straight ahead at your destination, not at the buildings around you or the street below. To sway or not to sway is the question. If you keep your arms natural, you should not worry about their sway negatively impacting your walk. The comfort factor is vital here as moving your arms around too much will look funny, and holding them tight against your body will look unnatural.

Finally, remember that if you carry a backpack on your shoulders, it should not be stuffed to the point where you instinctively slouch under the weight. Also, if you take many things along, like a cell phone, diary, iPod etc., putting all these items in one bag and keeping your hands free will be more convenient. While learning the confident walk is not a grueling task, it will take some time and diligent practice to get it right. After all, you cultivated those poor walking habits over several years, so give yourself time to eliminate them. It is essential to keep at it till walking confidently is a normal part of your physical demeanor.

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CHAPTER 9: The Handshake of Confidence!

While a handshake is often just seen as a physical act, which starts with an association or interaction, many fail to realize that most people are summing the person opposite them at the very moment when their hands grasp each other. After all, expectations are bound to be low for someone who cannot hold their own against others when walking through a simplistic tradition like a handshake.

Your handshake holds more power when making or breaking your first impression than all the world's business cards and impressive words. Moreover, this is one of the reasons why the humble handshake has survived in human culture since 2800 BC. Unfortunately, despite the simplicity of the gesture, many people get the handshake wrong. In fact, for many, the prospect of shaking hands is utterly unnerving. However, more than these guys need help with this greeting form. The confident fellows also do an excellent job of messing up a handshake. It would be safe to say that when you shake hands with somebody, in that brief physical contact, you impress your thoughts and personality on that person. So, whatever you think at that moment and even the kind of person you are will get transmitted through the handshake. This is unless you learn to do it right.

Let us look at some famous handshake follies that transcend gender and geography. I can guarantee that you have been on the receiving or giving end of at least a few of these!

The bone cruncher: If you ever walked away with a sore palm after a handshake or could not wait for the other guy to let go of your hand, he showed you exactly how many hours he spends in the gym every week. With that one palm-crushing handshake, you have been a victim of the bone cruncher. Now, this handshake usually comes into the picture in two cases: one, when a guy is overtly confident and believes that this blatant and uncalled-for display of strength will impress others, and two when a normally unconfident person is trying too hard to prove to others that he is as good as the next guy. If you are a bone cruncher, be reassured if people are wary of shaking hands with you. Instead, they greet politely, keeping their hands close. People like to leave handshakes intact. The bone-crunching handshake makes a negative impression. You create an instant dislike as people find you overbearing and overconfident.

You have got a dirty hand: This second type of handshake is prevalent, borne out of the need to get the formality done once and for all; people go for the bare minimum contact, often just clasping the fingers of the other guy or withdrawing their palm in haste. When this handshake occurs, the other person will either look at his hands or explain out loud that he did wash his hands after going to the bathroom to avoid awkwardness. Of course, you will agree that we instantly dislike people who make us uncomfortable. This is precisely what you are doing with this handshake. Then, there is the implication of lack of confidence to consider; only some people will blame him or themselves for their shoddy handshake.

The Perv shake: This is not seen or felt as frequently as the other two handshakes but is equally annoying or even more so. This is an overly friendly handshake where one person uses both hands. He goes in for the handshake with the right palm and covers the other person's hand with his left hand. Although this is not frowned upon, two guys who know each other well use it as a friendly greeting. However, the connotations can be very damaging if a woman is involved in the handshake. So, unless a person wants a sexual harassment suit slapped against him, it is wise to be polite but professional when shaking hands with someone of the other gender.

The YES messiah: This is a stereotypical handshake used by people who are less than confident; they bow too much, eagerly grasp onto the hand given to them and are awe-struck. It is not uncommon to see this handshake come into the picture when people meet and greet the CEO of their company or some such dignitary. Unfortunately, many believe their star-struck response will earn their bosses' favour. It is crucial to understand that we naturally gravitate towards individuals like ourselves. So, the head honcho will instantly like the confident guy, not the fawning teen-like employee.

I do not care: Also known as the cold fish handshake, this is when people make their disinterest in the entire act of shaking hands apparent by walking through the process mechanically. These guys throw their palms into the hands of the other person for the heck of it, not grasping it or offering the polite smile or even the eye contact that ought to go with a handshake. In other words, they are making it very clear that they would not be anywhere else and with anyone but the present company. Since most people are unwilling to impose themselves on others, you can imagine this handshake's impact.

They shake hands the right way!

So, all those examples of problematic handshakes must have caused you to ponder the right way to go about it. However, before we get to the nitty-gritty of the handshake, let us talk about what we are trying to convey through that brief physical contact. When you shake hands, you are trying to create a sense of trust while showing the other person you are confident in your abilities. Therefore, you can be trusted by everybody, including the guy who stands across from you, and this is how you should go about it. Whether taller or shorter than the other person, stand and hold your back upright when initiating the handshake.

Always maintain eye contact; this is quintessential. Start with a half-smile, not the goofy, "I am so happy to see you", or even the sombre expression of being at a funeral home. We want a polite, friendly, yet professional smile here. So, a hint of pearly white will do. Extend your hand out and grasp the hand offered to you. At this point, your writing should be held out with the four fingers pointing straight out and touching each other, with your thumb at right angles. Hold on to the other person's hand, not too lightly or tightly. Your handshake should be firm but not damaging.

Now pump 2-3 times while mouthing "Hello, how are you?" or "how are you doing?". Ensure eye contact throughout. End the handshake in 4-5 seconds; nothing more. Forego the urge to give the person standing in front a pat on the back unless you are his father/relative/teacher.

‍Some do's, and don'ts of a proper handshake include

Maintain eye contact even if you need to look up or down to meet the other person's eyes. Try not to shake hands with wet, slimy palms; that is nasty. If you have sweaty hands, always keep a tissue or handkerchief in your pocket and quickly wipe your palms dry before shaking hands. If you do not have a piece of cloth handy, your trousers will have to do, but be discreet when wiping your hands on your pants.

At a party, always keep the food plate in your left hand, keeping the right free for a handshake. If, for some reason, both your hands are occupied, make do with a nod and a slight apology with a downward glance at whatever is in your hands. If you are holding on to a plate or glass with your right hand, transfer it to your left when you see a known figure approaching. You should feel a handshake is imminent.

Keep your nails clean and cuticles trimmed.

‍When are handshakes appropriate?

A handshake works in just about every formal or informal gathering—from the requisite handshake to end an interview on a positive note to when meeting with friends at a social event, you can shake hands anywhere and everywhere. You should only refrain from this formality if the subject of your greeting is a person of a higher social or professional ranking and you need a valuable conversation to attach to the greeting. For instance, if your company's CEO is visiting, only initiate a handshake if you can say a few meaningful words afterwards. Instead, they first extend their hand for a handshake.

Although a handshake is a simple gesture, it would be grave folly to underestimate its importance in the social and professional pecking order. Because it creates the all-important first impression, you will not get a second chance to get it right. So, practice the confident handshake and impress your colleagues and associates with your polite yet professional confidence.

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CHAPTER 10: Eye contact and confidence

Nothing you say or do can speak as much about how you are feeling, what you think and the kind of person you are than your eyes. You have probably heard the adage about eyes being windows to the soul. Well, these inlets offer an insight into more than just an individual's soul; try personality, attitude, beliefs and emotions.

It is the eyes that often believe your stories that are less than accurate; everybody from moms across the globe who can spot when their kids are up to some mischief to the world's leading anti-deception experts relies on the dead giveaway that is a person's eyes. Eyes offer telltale cues about your emotions, lies, and confidence level. Eye contact, or lack thereof, has different interpretations in different cultures. For instance, while in some cases not looking into the eyes of the person in front of you can mean you are incredibly and miserably shy, in other cultures, when an individual fails to maintain eye contact, it immediately raises red flags that he is perceived as less than trustworthy. However, wherever you go and whatever you do, if you need help maintaining eye contact, this will not bode well for you. So, let us talk about this eye contact business.

People battling confidence issues can seldom look a person directly in the eye when talking. The roots of this behaviour can be found in our old-world classrooms when pupils automatically bow their heads and lower their eyes in resignation as the teacher admonishes them. We have all experienced at least a few episodes of that. However, while some of us grew out of these incidents, for others, the association of body language with inadequacy continues well into their adult years. Although deep- rooted confidence issues are at play when people shy away from direct eye contact, just pretending to be confident and keeping your gaze level when speaking to someone can make you feel like a million bucks. Could you not take my word for it? Please look at this example: even chronic ground gazers are relaxed and have no qualms about maintaining eye contact with the guy taking their order at a self-service restaurant; in this case, there is no self-consciousness. However, when the same person is thrown back into the office environment, the pangs of non-confidence roar back in, and they return to closely scrutinizing the carpet weave.

In other words, maintaining eye contact reflects your confidence and raises your belief.

How can you learn to maintain eye contact?

Observe directly with your own eyes:

1. Start every morning with a quick self-affirmation session (more on this later) as you stand in front of the mirror.
2. Look at your reflection.
3. Look into the eyes of the person staring back at you.
4. Repeat these statements 25 times: "I feel confident, I feel terrific ", and "I can and will
5. maintain eye contact with everybody I see".

Do you know how actors get under the skin of their characters by acting like the person they are playing? Well, that is what you need to do here. If you admire an orator, public figure, celebrity etc., pretend to be them, and experience the confidence you should feel being at the pinnacle of success in your life (remember you are channelling your role model here). So, pretend to walk tall like your role model and look people in the eye (the way they would).

A quick tip is to pick people known for their confident persona here; a shy, timid personality like Princess Diana, who peeped up from under her lashes, will not do).

The right and wrong of eye contact! Often, even seemingly confident people have the loathsome habit of giving a person a look-up; this is a reference to the up-and-down look that many individuals are used to giving. They start at the feet of the person in front of them and move up to his head and back down again. To say that this is annoying, mainly when seen from a woman's perspective, would be an understatement. However, the truth is, 'look up' is terrible regardless of who you give it to. So, here are some tips on making eye contact the right way.

The triangle of eye contact: Imagine a triangle formed by the eyebrows as its base and the nose tip as its upper point, and this is the triangle of eye contact, so you need to keep your gaze level in this area. Looking beyond it on the forehead or top of the head will make the other person feel too proud and arrogant. You want him to glance up to meet your gaze. On the other hand, looking below the nose tip towards the lips has sexual connotations.

Use your neck to your advantage: Do not lower your eyes when talking to someone standing a foot below you; instead, move your neck while keeping your eyes level. So, look up but not with your eyes—tilt your head backwards when speaking to someone taller than you.

Training your eyes to obey you: People often look anywhere and everywhere except for the person standing right before their eyes, which is a habit you must compel yourself to get out of. Concentrate your eyes on staying focused on your company. If you catch them straying, force your full attention back on the person you are speaking with.

Maintain eye contact, and do not stare: Just because you are trying to maintain eye contact does not mean you need to give the other guy your hysterical, unblinking stare. Eye contact does not equal gawking like a befuddled teen, so blink freely and naturally. Your eyelids prevent your pupils from drying up, so use them. Move your head around as you speak, gesticulate naturally and let your eyes reveal your emotions.

Eye contact in varying scenarios

When speaking to one person: Well, this is a no-brainer; look at the guy spending precious minutes talking to you, take a keen interest in his words and do not let your mind wander away. This should help you maintain eye contact. Holding a conversation with two people can get tricky, primarily if you focus on one person. Rightfully, the other person will feel ignored and insulted. So, when talking to two people, move your eyes sweepingly from one man to the other. Hold eye contact with each person for a few seconds before moving your gaze to the other individual in the group. When spoken to, keep your eyes on the person imparting wisdom. Only turn to the other person when you need to nod and agree.

Speaking to a group: Finally, look at the seating arrangements when presenting. If your presentation is held in an auditorium or a large room, move your eyes from the front row to the last. Also, move your eyes from the right to the left, stopping at people sitting in each quadrant. This way, everyone feels spoken to. However, if your oration is in a conference room with "U" shaped seating, move your eyes from the people nearest you to the guys sitting at the farthest end of the room and trace your gaze back in the "U" pattern to mimic the seating arrangements.

In a bar: If somebody in a bar or a crowded place catches your eye, give them a glance. Do not openly gawk; it is considered rude and even freakish. Nevertheless, stare long enough to attract the person's attention before averting your gaze. Most humans have an inbuilt antenna that tells them when they are looked at.

When you look at the subject of your interest, you see that he is gazing at you. Hold their gaze for a few seconds before turning away. Indulge in this visual flirtation 2-3 times, and the other person will get your point. If they are not taking the bait, they are uninterested, and you might want to move on to greener pastures. Remember, your eyes play a crucial role in exhibiting your self-confidence and every conversation and interaction you hold. This is not a factor to compromise on.

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CHAPTER 11: Self-talk and its impact on you!

For anybody trying to understand self-talk and its influence on their behaviours and performance, they only need to look at the novel representation of the inner voice or self-talk in the movies. You may remember the hapless character torn between the adorable angel on his right shoulder and the tiny devil on his left.

You may not actually see these minuscule versions of yourself, but you sure hear their voices—they impact how you feel and what you can do. The problem is that you are as susceptible to negative thoughts. Can you honestly say that you never heard nagging in your head about how you cannot do a sure thing, or should not do, or perhaps you are not good enough to do it? We all have our fair share of negative moments in life, but to let them rule every minute of our every day is inconceivable.

The tiny squeak of positivity disappears when faced with overwhelming negativity. In time, things get so bad that negative talk becomes second nature. We do it without realizing that this internal talk sabotages our performance and keeps us from achieving our goals.
So, is there respite for me from all this negative self-talk? You bet, however, it will take a significant quantity of effort. Seeing the startling change in your attitude and belief system will all be worth it. So, here is a 5-step life transformation plan.

How bad is your condition?

Before you treat an ailment, you need to know how severe you got it. So, to begin with, you need to realize the extent of negativity that rules your thought patterns, behaviour and attitudes. Start with a simple exercise; carry about a dozen paper clips in the left pocket of your trousers when you start your day.

Throughout the next 12 hours, move a single clip from the right pocket to the left every time you hear a negative statement to make its impact felt in your behaviour. There can be anything negative that you can have, such as, "I can't accomplish x tasks in so much time", or even something like, "I'll take the stairs tomorrow, let's take the elevator today". At the end of the day, if you have anything more than a single clip in your left pocket, you need to work on how you talk to yourself.

Keep a journal

The next step is to understand what the negative side of your personality is saying to you and when it gets into babble mode. The way to do this is to keep a journal; draw six columns on each page.

• The event
• What was the negative talk you gave yourself?
• The emotions it evoked
• How has it altered your behaviour?
• The triggers that may have caused it (same as the event or other)
• The truth
• It would help if you began logging every negative thought and less-than-encouraging word that crosses your mind. At first, it may be challenging to get them all. However, even if you get 4- 5 per day and these negative statements are forever stuck in your psyche, that should do just fine. If you cannot fill your journal immediately, do it once during lunch, again at the end of the workday and one last time before you retire for the night.

The most critical thing here is, to be honest; your only job here is to record your negative self-talk and emotional responses. There is no need to justify the claims made by the more than loud negative voice inside. After a week of maintaining your log, you should see a distinct pattern emerging; for most of us, certain events and triggers lead to specific negative thoughts and words. For instance, you get lethargic after a heavy meal and allow your subconscious to give you the "let us do it tomorrow" excuse not to take the stairs and just head up with your friends in the elevator.

It may be the presence and behaviour of a person that triggers these derisive thoughts, or they may be event specific. For example, you only hear yourself saying that you cannot get something done at a particular time when you have a tight deadline to meet. It is imperative to recognize these patterns before you implement the plan.

Take a rational look at all those negative statements.

Every morning, sit down with your journal. A night's rest will put you in a positive mood. You should be able to see these thoughts and words for what they are at this point. Refute all your negative self- talk with a red pen, refuting and questioning them logically. For instance, with the statement, "Let us take the elevator tomorrow", ask yourself why? Why are you not able to take it today? What is the problem with doing it right now?

Why should you do that for the other statement about your performance time? Why can I wait to complete something in time? I have yet to do it, and if not, is there any reason to believe that I will not be able to do it this time, either? You will undoubtedly hear a barrage of silly excuses and reasons like this – I am just not good enough; I do not have the skill or the ability to get this done fast enough; I am nervous.

I want you to counter all these words with your 'Why' questions. Most of your assumptions about your abilities are wrong. You have said these things to yourself so often that your subconscious has assumed those words to be true.

Stop those thoughts in their tracks.

Armed with your journal, you should have a fair idea of the events and triggers that led to the start of negative self-talk and discouraging thoughts. It would help if you had a vital sign telling the world to stop those words and thoughts immediately. This can be a physical act, a stimulus, an auditory or even a visual input. For instance, if you spend most of your work hours in your cubicle, put a STOP sign in bold red. Look at it every time you feel the first burst of negative self-talk. You can also use a physical response like shaking your head to signal a "no" or mouthing the word "no" out loud in your head. The critical thing here is that whatever cue you use should be powerful enough to stop your thought pattern.

Replace your negative self-talk with rational and realistic thoughts.

Once you have stopped the flow of negative self-talk, leaving your mind blank certainly will not help because all those demotivating thoughts and words will return. This is where you start using all the rational rebuttals you jotted down in your journal. Remember how you challenged your negative self- talk with your "why" questions and developed an honest and realistic view of your abilities? It would help to use realistic alternative thoughts whenever negative thoughts threaten your emotions or behaviour. For instance, for our elevator vs stairs statement, we can replace the negative with a positive idea like, "Why take the stairs tomorrow, why not today? If I start today, I will lose weight faster".

Similarly, for the sentence that reeked of self-doubt in your ability to get the job done in a certain period, shoot down the wrong words with something like, "Why can I not achieve this goal? I have done so well in so many areas of my life. While doing this, you must understand that negative self- talk is a habit you instilled in yourself over several years. Also, those negative and discouraging words are incredibly pesky and will keep haunting you repeatedly. The trick here is to practice positive self-talk at every opportunity you get. The more you practice, the better you will prevent negative thoughts and emotions in your belief system. Finally, remember that all that worry and self-doubt get you nowhere. Most of your fears prove baseless and never come true, so why not throw them out of your life?

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CHAPTER 12: Say "I can" instead of "I can't"

People who always see the glass as half empty often say they cannot help themselves as negative thoughts enter unrestrained into their minds. However, they are wrong because they put all those negative thoughts in their heads. How do you ask? By only focusing on mistakes: Life is not all about mistakes—to err is human. However, if you constantly chant statements like, "I cannot believe I did this or How could I ever let this happen?" you HAVE TO STOP.

Nothing positive comes out of rehashing old wounds and hurtful experiences. Suppose you are willing to treat your errors as learning experiences, fantastic. Alternatively, if that does not appeal to you, let them be: stop thinking about them every time you think about them. You should set goals and use your past experiences as a yardstick and learning experience. However, if you live your entire life based on what could have been and will be, you have made a grave error. You must understand that you can only change your past if you find a time machine.

Also, your future is out of your hands since scores of things can happen that shape event. For instance, as you live in a perpetually gloomy state, wasting away your present, did it ever occur to you that tomorrow you may win a jackpot or there may be an earthquake, and you may not survive? We are not looking at the positive and negative here; this example only proves that you have little control over how things will turn out tomorrow.

The present, however, is what you can control and change. So, why waste your present by mopping over your past or fearing your future? If you make your present bright and successful, you will forget about your past indiscretions; what you do today will undoubtedly influence your tomorrow, so stay focused on the present. Focusing only on the outcome: Having a clear goal can help you achieve it; however, if your goals unduly influence your journey, you will get nowhere. So, instead of constantly dwelling on what you have to and must do, talk about how you can make your way to your goal more accessible and will enable you to get there faster. When you only concentrate on your goals, it is like walking with your eyes cast skyward. Will you fall flat on your nose? You bet!

Blaming yourself for things that are out of control

You need to understand that you cannot control nature's acts, and you cannot control other people's actions. So, stop blaming yourself for everything that has turned out wrong. For instance, you tend to think, "why did my manager not do this? We could have performed better," or "damn, why did it rain today when I had my upcoming presentation?" Learn to take things seriously. If you cannot do Anything about it, laugh it off and think about ways to work around the situation.

Expecting perfection is admirable, but at what cost?

Aiming for perfection is a fabulous way to achieve excellence, but if you are convinced that nothing BUT perfection will do, set your sights low. You aim for the stars because you want to reach the treetops. However, you may not even get to the treetop if you constantly cry and bicker about not making it to the stars on your next jump. So, stop creating frustration and failure: nothing is good enough.

‍Oops, I have done all that already; now what? If you already battle pessimism, here are a few things that will jolt the negativity out of your system.

Practice gratitude

Instead of constantly pondering everything you do not have, look at the bright side of life and be grateful for everything you have. For instance, it will not help you to mope about not having a supermodel girlfriend. Instead, look at how you have a loyal woman who loves you a lot. After all, who wants to deal with a gorgeous gal who cannot stop fooling around your back? Remember: there is always a silver lining to every cloud, and there is no exception to this rule. However, it would be best to learn to look for that bit of silver in your life.

The world is not out to get you; trust me!

If you are receding in your shell of gloom and doom because you believe everybody out there is spending their time conjuring up evil plans to get you, boy, could you not be more wrong? The simple answer is: Who has the time? People are honestly too busy to deal with others. In addition, why would anyone waste time and energy plotting against you when those resources could be used for their gain? So, forget about others and their assistance, look inward, and concentrate on what you can do to improve your life. That is the only thing that truly matters—the effort you put into your betterment.

Why be the victim when you can be the controller?

Stop playing the victim. If you do not like something, get up and change the status quo instead of whining about it. So, instead of constantly mulling over what is happening to you or being done to you, think about how you can change things for yourself. You may not be a world transformer (and nothing stops you from becoming Gandhi or Martin Luther King or anybody else), but in your own life, you are the Lord and God. So, if you are less than happy with your life, do something different.

Life is not perpetual; accept that fact.

You can be sure of one thing in life. Your time on this planet will end one day, as will your youth and everything else. Why waste precious time groveling in self-pity when you can enjoy life to the fullest? Well, you only live this life once, so why not make the most of it?

Everybody needs a dose of positivity from time to time.

If you cannot control your wayward thoughts when looking at things from an opposing point of view, insert some much-needed positivity into your life with affirmations. Make a list of short statements that remind you of everything positive in your world. Include how you are trying to change the aspects you dislike. Some affirmations that work particularly well are:

• I can do anything/Anything is possible
• I choose life positively
• I have a choice, ALWAYS
• I control my attitude
• I create my circumstances, not vice versa
• Put these up everywhere: from your computer screen to your bathroom mirror and work desk to your bedroom. Could you read and believe them?

On a concluding note, you need to understand that optimism does not equate to being a gullible fool who thinks nothing can turn out wrong. No, you are striving for balanced optimism; a sentence like, "be prepared for the unexpected but hope for the brightest" perfectly explains what it is to be a balanced optimist- you are always cautious while also being optimistic.

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CHAPTER 13: Discovering your goals

You will only know where you should be if you have a clear idea about your destination; after all, it is only possible to see what you have achieved if you start with a concise goal. Unfortunately, many people confuse and substitute daydreams for concrete goals. This is not only a wrong way of thinking but can also hamper your progress. Because you have yet to start with a clear idea of where you want to go, you cannot develop a specific plan to take you to your goals. Does it come as any surprise that people who follow the ‘daydreamer’ approaches fail to achieve most things they covet?

Unfortunately, consistent failures introduce fear and pessimism into their system, and at one point, they give up trying to get to their goal. So, please do not fall into this rut. Daydreaming is a pleasurable activity, but it seldom amounts to anything. Instead, start with a clear goal in your head. Put this down on paper and follow the SMART approach.

The S-M-A-R-T Approach

Specific: If you set a goal, you must be very specific. Dilly-dallying is for daydreamers, not goal- setters. Being specific about your goals will help you create a clear plan. Well-defined goals will answer the 6Ws (what, who, when, where, which and why). For instance, instead of dreaming about how you will buy your dream home one day, be specific: where will this house be, how big, how will you buy it, how will you collect the money for it and so on. A considerable advantage of being specific about your goals is that it allows for visualization, which helps you realize your aim.

Measurable: A well-defined and specific goal also must be measurable. This concerns the question: How will you know you succeeded without understanding what success means? So, instead of dreaming about being a rich man/woman someday, put a figure on it: What would be rich according to you? On the same lines, if you intend to bench press more weight in the next two months, talk about how much more weight, and be very clear—something like, “I intend to bench press 250 lbs in 2 months”. The reason for setting measurable goals is straightforward: You can divide your plan into more manageable parts. For example, weighing 250 pounds, you could start with 125 lbs a month and 30 lbs per week. This keeps you focused on the results.

Attainable: This is highly critical: your goals must be feasible. Please think about your resources and skills and whether they are enough to help you reach your goals. If not, can anything be done to improve your skills and resources?

Realistic: Sure, it would be a dream to fly like Superman, be as rich as Bill Gates or even have superpowers like the X-Men, but are these goals realistic? What are you trying to do? Here is aspire to drive around the country with a gallon of gas. Does the goal sound reasonable? Can you realize it? NO Being realistic when setting your goals will help you achieve them. It is OK to aim high; in fact, you should. However, if you go beyond your means, you will succeed.

Time-bound: All goals should have an expiry period or time limit to achieve them. This helps to prevent procrastination and stops you from pushing your ACTION from one day to the next. When you look closely, what you invest in your dreams is your time. So, you need to know at the onset if your goals are worth all the time you intend to put into achieving them. Also, this means that the faster you accomplish your goals, the more time you will have to enjoy the fruits of your labour. So, stop wasting your time dreaming.

If you are serious about achieving something, set SMART goals, and before you know it, you will be headed steadily towards your destination.

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CHAPTER 14: Smiling Improves You Big Time!

Did you know your brain is hardwired to interpret your smiling face as a sign of positivity? So, you cannot possibly smile while thinking a negative thought. You will either give into the gloom, and the smile will turn into a frown, or you will make light of the situation and smile. Do not believe me? Let us see what science has to say about this!

Research into smiling and its impact on a person's thoughts and feelings

A study that involved MR scan analysis of several participants who had received Botox injections and were asked to frown deliberately revealed less processing in the brain's emotional centre. This was attributed to the limited facial expressions generated after Botox. In another study, participants were divided into two groups and shown negative, positive and neutral video clips. One group was asked not to move their faces when watching the clip, in other words, remain expressionless, while others were instructed to move their facial muscles freely. It was found that people who were allowed to move their faces felt more negative after watching a sad clip than people who restricted their facial movements and experienced an almost 100% better response to damaging clips.

So, should you be faking a smile? In one simple word, the answer to that question is no; faking a smile for the heck of it can prove detrimental to your health. Most Freudian psychologists will agree that repressing negative thoughts in any way or form can hurt a person's mental balance. Nevertheless, there are legions of self-help gurus who ask you to do just that; who is right and should you be smiling? If you are putting up a brave, smiling front while depression eats away at you, stop now! If you are using your smile to hide the terrible things you are feeling from the world, displaying those pearly whites will not help you in the least bit.

Let us look at an example here:

Suppose you have just been handed out the pink slip, and you meet a friend on your way from work that knows your predicament and is uncomfortable. So, you present a smile to make light of the situation and make him feel better, is this smile helping you? No! Here is an alternate scenario: your friend who knows about your recent job loss tells you to cheer up as you have many skills and will easily find something better. You counter with the statement about the bad economy, but he persists that you can handle your skill set. You relent and smile at him as his optimism rubs off on you. Did that smile help you? Yes, it did; it changed your mood and gave you a reason to look at the positive side. This brings us to the type of smile that works the best. A fake smile will do you no good, but an authentic fake smile will work wonders for your mood and emotions.

How can a fake smile be authentic? There are three scenarios in which people put on a fake smile:

• They are trying to hide their emotions from the world and putting on a smile for others— BAD
• They are putting their negative thoughts on hold and smiling for themselves—Good.
• They are putting their negative thoughts on hold, smiling and focusing on the brighter side at
• best—Good.

So, putting your negative thoughts on hold whilst smiling to change your thought patterns and looking at the positive side is not the same as repressing your negative emotions. How do you go about doing this? Do you remember the "STOP" your negative thoughts tip that we used in the "Self-Talk" Chapter? Use them here. Another way is to keep a funny joke or an image around. When you cannot control your thoughts, read, go in for a hearty laugh. Will this help?Smiling and laughter are known to cause dopamine release in your brain— a neurotransmitter that makes you happy. This dopamine is responsible for the gooey and good feeling you get after watching a happy movie or a comedy.

Generate positivity where there is none.

So, you have been dealt a bad hand, or are stuck in a thankless, monotonous job, or perhaps have troubles in your personal life; it is straightforward to be bogged down by all of them, mainly when nothing is positive to lift your spirits. Nevertheless, why wait for something good to come along? Generate your positivity with these tips:

• Devote 10 minutes each day to laughing; watch a funny movie, read jokes online or stand in the middle of your bedroom and start laughing out loud. Yes, this may seem very strange for the first few minutes, but the oddity is what will induce real laughter.
• Sit up straight with a good posture because that is what you do when you are happy
• Put on some music; anything that boosts you up
• Make it a point to smile at people first thing in the morning. Nobody is going to return your
• smile with a frown. So, add a smile to that curt good morning.
• Read something positive; inspirational quotes, stories, etc., will help.
• If you are too tired to smile, use a pencil, clench it between your teeth, and do not let it drop
• for 2 minutes at a time. Do this for 10 minutes every day.
• Many people reserve their smiles for special occasions and rainy days; who said you needed to do that? Authentic fake smiling is like positive self-talk; the more you practice it, the better it will work for you.

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CHAPTER 15: Daily Affirmation

Your mind, the all-controlling seat, comprises conscious and unconscious elements. The conscious presides over everything intentionally and often acts like a bodyguard for your unconscious mind, filtering out messages and thoughts.

For instance, would you believe me if I told you you have wings or were growing wings? You won't because your conscious mind will reject the dubious statement.
In contrast, your unconscious exercises the most power but is a fool; it takes things at face value. So, everything that gets through to the unconscious mind is picked up without question. That is how all those negative thoughts, fears and doubts crept into your mental makeup.The simplest way to get to the unconscious is to repeat something repeatedly. Eventually, your conscious filter will wane, and those statements will enter your unconscious mind. Once this happens, they are facts for you.

So, if you keep telling yourself you cannot do something, it becomes a fact! When you try, you really cannot perform this task. As a result, you are not only feeding your unconscious negative thoughts, but you are also feeding your unconscious positive thoughts. Moreover, this is where daily affirmations come in.

We discussed this briefly in several preceding chapters when we discussed looking at yourself in the mirror and maintaining eye contact. We also spoke about mouthing positive statements as you do this. However, we will examine affirmations in depth in this chapter.

Who uses daily affirmations?

Just about everyone: celebrities, sports stars, orators and world leaders. Daily affirmations are a powerful psychological tool that can change your self-perception.The most impressive part is that daily affirmations work on anything and everything. So, if you struggle with fear, affirmations can rid your mind of it. In the same way, relaying a statement to your unconscious about your confidence will make it happen.

Affirmations were not invented!

Far from it, holy men of all religious inclinations use affirmations to reassure themselves of their faith. What do you believe the East's chanting and the church's hymns are all about?So, how do you do your daily affirmations?

Understand what is bothering you: The first step to crafting effective affirmations is understanding what is bothering you. Are you trying to tackle a growing unease about your professional abilities? Are you afraid of falling sick for no reason at all? Do you believe you cannot quit smoking or lose weight? Once you have a clear idea of your problem, it will be easy to deal with.

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Frame affirmations: Your daily affirmation statements should be positive and short. Also, use an active voice when framing these statements. For instance, instead of saying, "It can be done", say, "I can do it". Never use the words "no/not" in your affirmations. Some examples of daily affirmations include:

• I can stop smoking; I will stop smoking
• I hate smoking. I will quit smoking
• I want to lose weight; I will lose 20 lbs
• I am very confident
• I feel confident
• I believe in my abilities
• I am very confident
• Use positive affirmations: Daily affirmations are best chanted first thing in the morning and before bedtime. Do five minutes at first, once in the morning and once at night and gradually increase to 10 minutes. Also, you should stand in front of the mirror and look into your eyes when stating your daily affirmations.
• Remember, results will not come in one day, but it will be startling when you finally notice a change. There will be a pronounced difference in your behaviour, thought patterns, emotions and reactions.

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‍THANK YOU

So, now that you have been armed with all the information you need to transform yourself into a more confident and self-assured person, what are you waiting for? Read this book from cover to cover once, and start with one chapter at a time. Give yourself 25 days to incorporate everything included in that section, and before you know it, you will lead a life without self-doubt.

No, I will not wish you luck on your self-confidence journey. Because when you leave things to chance, you put some unknown, higher entity in control of your life and destiny. You are the only person who controls your life and can change things for you!

So, get off that chair or that couch and start acting now; after all, the sooner you realize your goals, the more time you will have to enjoy the fruits of your labour.