Hell comes to Frogtown (1988)

Picture the scene. I was twelve years old at the time. Every Saturday night, my dad came home with a video from the rental store. He loved his action movies, and I was introduced to Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Seagal at a very young age. I couldn't get enough of film nights, and my love of action cinema came from there. One particular evening stands out to this day; it was the night my dad introduced us to Hell Comes to Frogtown. "What's it about then, Dad?" I asked despondently. "Well, it's about giant frogs taking over the world."

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I was disappointed. That was obvious. It sounded rubbish. Children don't disguise their feelings like grown-ups do, so an air of unrest was inevitable as we gathered on the sofa to watch his latest acquisition. My brother and I fought to contain our laughter as the opening credits rolled; even at twelve, we knew the difference between quality entertainment and seven-foot-tall dancing frogs. Should we wait seven days for our next action fix? As it turned out, we loved every minute. Some films stay with you, and not always for the right reasons, but I've never revisited Hell Comes to Frogtown until now.

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Being twelve then, most of the storyline was over my head. With the 20th Century drawing to a close, nuclear war wiped out civilisation as we knew it. Human hopes now lie with one man and his loaded weapon. That would be his gun. Oh, how I miss youth's innocence. Sam Hell may be an ex-con, but he's also one of the last fertile men on the planet. "What does fertile mean, Dad?" That would've been my response at the time. "Ask your mother", the all too quick reply. Now, in the custody of two feisty female fighters, Sam is on a mission to impregnate women. Dad must've glossed over that part.

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Sounds like a plan, but remember, I was twelve then. My hormones were all over the place. Watching grown-up movies was enjoyable, but sitting in the dark with your family as a bevvy of beauties got naked before you was unbearable. Well, it is only sometimes made for comfortable viewing. The ladies in question were prisoners of Frogtown, home to a gang of mutants and ill-mannered amphibians. Looking back now, it's easy to see why this movie resonated with me. There were girls and fleshy bits aplenty. Starring wrestler-turned-actor Rowdy Roddy Piper, Hell Comes to Frogtown is an unashamed B-movie with more guns and girls than you can shake a frog's leg from.

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Roddy said this was his best performance. He admits that the director didn't like him much and realised early on that an Oscar nomination was unlikely, so he chose to have fun with the role instead, and as a result, Hell Comes to Frogtown is one of his most memorable performances. The other is They Live. It's a short list. Like me, his wife didn't know what to expect from the movie. Though he's pretty sure it hit home when she turned up on set and met his female co-stars for the first time. Things were frosty for a while, I'm sure. Looking back now, Sandahl Bergman could've done with a few more meals inside her (that's not a euphemism), but Cec Verrell - as the gun-toting femme fatale - was more than a match for my virginity. For newcomers, Hell Comes to Frogtown is a curious blend of Mad Max, Big Trouble in Little China, Barbarella and Planet of the Apes. It's an action comedy with no right to be entertaining as it is. Roddy can't act, the special effects are goofy, and the storyline could be more coherent. The action sequences could be more impressive, and the movie needs to capitalise on its title promise. However, Hell Comes to Frogtown is a fun movie. Some creature effects are outstanding, the dialogue is sometimes funny, and most girls are worth watching. Hell Comes to Frogtown is energetic and rarely dull, an 80s relic dusted down and given another lease of life by Arrow Films. It's not a classic, but they no longer make films like this. The sheer audacity of his work glosses over quality filmmaking cracks.

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As I had back then, as a disillusioned twelve-year-old sitting down to watch Hell Comes to Frogtown for the first time, I assumed that I would be disappointed by this mystifying 80s oddity. I was wrong again. Hell Comes to Frogtown is a light-hearted, ridiculous, and mildly titillating film. A twelve-year-old boy - and a grown man attempting to reclaim his youth - could want everything in a movie. With talking frogs for measure. "I gotta tell you, you are one weird dude." No arguments there.